1. I am very detail-oreinted.
5. It’s best for employers that I not work with people.
12. Please disregard the attached resume-it is terribly out of date.
14. Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
21. Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
25. Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.
If you want still more, see "150 Funniest Resume Mistakes, Bloopers, and Blunders Ever".