Newmark's Door

"If the IRS had discovered the quadratic formula . . ."

Pretty funny. 

Via Instapundit.

"A Tribute to George Carlin hosted by Whoopi Goldberg"

I found George Carlin only occasionally funny, but lotsa people really loved him, and this is a fine tribute. (Canadians beware: at the about the five-minute mark, Whoopi gets off a crack about curling.)

If you don't want to watch or listen to the whole thing, here's about 10 minutes of Louis C. K.'s remarks.

"T-Cells"

Leukemia humor.

And, yeah, sure, maybe it's not that funny.

But neither is leukemia.

Louis C.K. on Conan

Maybe you won't find this as funny as I do--there's no accounting for taste in humor--but you will think it is original. Guaranteed or your money back. Especially the last segment. (A bit gross, not politically correct, and NSFW.)

Louis CK: "I'm prejudiced against 20 year-olds"

Louis doing his thing.

"Bus 62 runs always"

I imagine the busdriver as Bruce Willis yelling, "Yippee-kiyay, motherf******!"

Link via Buzzfeed. 

How to get your wedding announcement into the New York Times

I obviously have no idea how true this is or if the author is just completely pulling the readers' legs, but I laughed.

- No points for a mere Jr. — come on, anyone can pop out one son — but a III, IV, etc., each earn their number of points.: +3, +4, etc.

- Nicknames that abide by the Chip/Skip/Trip rule — "Chip" if he's named after his dad ("chip off the old block"), "Skip" if named for his grandfather ("skipped a generation"), or "Trip" if he's the third (also "Trey") — earn +3.

- Nicknames that really show true commitment to showcasing patrilinialism (like this little kid I once taught sailing to who went by "Quinton" because he was Something Something, V — I've seen "Quincy" used this way also): +5.

"Here's your first look at the new Beavis And Butt-head"

The Great Cornholio will be back. (NSFW, obviously.)

"We Bring You This Reader's Digest Moment With Profound Reluctance"

New York City bus driver fools his passengers. 

"114-Year-Old Attributes Longevity to Sheer Random Chance"

One of the (many) common questions reporters ask that I've never understood is one addressed to people who've lived a very long time: "What's the secret to living a long life?" Even as a semi-serious, kinda fun question, it makes absolutely no sense. How is a person supposed to know? Even if a better form of the question were asked--"What have you done in your life--career-wise, family-wise, diet, exercise, hobbies--that you think most people don't do?" it would still be pretty silly. 

So this piece is great. Unfortunately, it's not from a real newspaper, it's from The Onion.