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March 20, 2014

***Worldwide Exclusive***

Thanks to Nancy Margolis, we present late-breaking news of the President's regulation of this year's NCAA men's basketball tournament:

President Barack Obama stunned the sports world this morning by using his pen and telephone to impose important new regulations on the NCAA tournament.  Noting rampant inequality in athletics department budgets across the nation's higher education establishments, Obama has charged the IRS with the immediate implementation of a point system that will be fair for all. 

"The bottom line is, every team should have the same chance this country gives to the top 1 percent of universities with athletics programs. Too many teams enter the tournament without a realistic chance of achieving the American Dream.  Selection into the NCAA tournament is an empty promise unless we also do more to make sure our system honors the dignity of work, and hard work pays off for every single tournament player." 

Accordingly, the IRS has ranked the 68 teams in the tournament according to their athletics budgets and has given point subsidies on a sliding scale to institutions whose budgets are below the national average.

Obama acknowledges that the system, like every big initiative, may need some tweaking, so he will be using his pen and telephone at halftime to ensure that every team has a fair shot at the prize.  In some cases, to ensure that deserving players stay in the game, he may tweak the number of permissible fouls.  In other cases, he may change the location of the three-point arc or give a player who has missed the front end of a one-and-one foul shot the chance at a second shot. 

Aides are studying a change in the arbitrary time deadline for the end of the game. 

Comments

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Patrick R. Sullivan

I'm surprised that Obama (Michelle, anyway) would allow score-keeping. Just give out 68 trophies and glory in all the self-esteem created.

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